How often are we cognizant of the source of our jealousy? How often are we dually aware of the sensation felt, and the original insecurity within ourselves that caused it? Envy and jealousy provoke actions of poor taste, causing us to act passive aggressively or in a downright cruel manner. Displays of this deficient character reveal themselves through both subtle criticisms and ostentatious displays of hate. Or on an even less discernible scale, they can be carried out through simple neglect to action. An example of this could be a general refraining from communicated niceties, such as compliments/words of praise. Eschewing from complimenting may feel like a simple evasion to the perpetrator, but is nonetheless rooted in a sinister intention (or lack of intent), and has potential negative effects for both parties. For the jealous individual, possible opportunities for human connection and personal (mental/emotional/psychological) growth. For the other, the expression could have been sorely needed.

Insecurity causes people to withhold verbalized or expressed admiration. In some instances this is excused by a purported “lack of creativity” in eloquence. However, this neglects the fact that there is no requirement of complexity in complimenting. It is important to note here that compliments mean of any variety, whether it is something as simple as “that was a wonderful speech!” or “you are pretty!” Use of this defaulted argument reveals how deeply rooted the insecurity is. From an uninvolved perspective, it seems as if the individual is asserting their stance as if their entire sense of self depends on it. As if expressing commendation could cause the faulty foundation with which their self esteem rests on to crumble or dissipate entirely. Of course, insecurity is not the only reason a person could abstain in this kindness, but it just so happens to be alarmingly common with the pertinent group. Moreover, it is almost amusing how the perpetrator’s brain will invest immense effort to excuse its action, even resorting to self-absolutions as contradictory as a lack of energy or time to dole out.

How much does it cost a person to say something nice, to expend a sliver of effort to type or speak an additional sentence of warmth to another? A popular dissenting evasion tends to be, “Well I just don’t have the time for it!” Wrong. We are in total control of how we invest our mental and physical energy. If one or any of said efforts happen to feel like an obligation, and therefore make us feel helpless at the hands of them, well, it is important to remember that we are the ones attributing the obligatory title to the task. If another involved party makes us feel pressured into perceiving it as an obligation, well we don’t have to adopt their view. School, family, work, all the things that people usually point to in excusing a lack of effort, are all still choices. Now I am not some asshole advocating to forsake our families, give up on school, or forgo professional endeavors. But rather, to learn how to utilize our time better, and more importantly, to stop using a lack of “time” as an excuse for inaction or neglectance. To stop using it as a shield that protects face in social scenarios when we don’t want to be honest about the matter at hand.

Furthermore, even with obligatory tasks, we in the Privileged World of the West™ have copious amounts of free-time (comparatively speaking to those focused on the lowest level of Maslow’s hierarchy: survival). The best illustration of the humorously disparaging contradiction to our temporal excuses is use of social media: “Sorry, I just don’t have the time” *scrolls on social media for 3 hours of the day*. We are so afraid of being honest, because we want to protect that image the person has of us, to not come off as if we don’t care. But it isn’t that we don’t care! We do! Just not enough to devote our time to it… It is an excuse for our own inaction. We must be careful of the rational mind… For it will validate any of our tendencies, toxic or not, for the sake of our own comfort (and in apt support of cognitive dissonance).

Another possible justification for abstaining from expressing compliments often heard are, “well they are just so confident, they don’t need to hear compliments from me.” The fuck? What human needs compliments? A need is something necessary for biological survival. Those that rely on positive affirmations exist on an ineffective form of fuel, for as long as their reliance on it remains, they will be perpetually broken inside. (Trust me, I was that person). Regardless, niceties and expressions of our admiration, no matter how small, are just kind hearted to convey, and end up having a positive effect for both parties. There are endless studies on how focusing on compassion and doing things for others leads to more substantive happiness than hedonistic self centered ventures to achieve the same means.

As previously stated, no one should rest their sense of pride atop external validation. But this does not negate the fact that words do have a huge impact on people. Communicating appreciation or a special liking of a part of someone can make their day, week, month. Think about the times someone sacrificed just 30 seconds of their day to impart kind verbiage to you. How did it feel? Now think, why would we not want to perpetuate that feeling for others? Thoughtful utterances like that have immense power. The receiver could have been aching for even the smallest friendliness, their lives devoid of kind words from others. They could be on the precipice of a mental breakdown, or on a more extreme edge. Words have the power to change our internal perceptions of things. This is evident in school, our worldview tends to expand as a result of hearing the words and articulations of people wiser than us. And the same goes for those kinder than us.

Jealousy clouds our perception in a variety of ways, but a special one to note is that it causes us to forsake reflection. We can become negligent of the individual efforts that preceded the obtainment of the desirable characteristic that made us jealous: all of the work, life experiences, writing, dedication that went into its cultivation in the person. We assume they were born that way, or it was a product of their environment, or they had X personality trait so attaining the other one was easy. When in actuality, almost everything that is good or worthwhile comes as a result of sacrifice, not happenstance. Most of the things that amaze us in others did not come about by simply existing. Sure, some are born into environments that are more privileged from the start. But the way we frame our sufferings significantly determines future outcomes and interactions with the world. Google James R. Doty and read about his early life and subsequent work for an example.

“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.” — Chuck Palahniuk

In the end, all jealousy and judgment does is inhibit us. They prevent us from seeing another person’s point of view, and keeps us stuck, experiencing the world through a self centered perspective. The worst part of this is that it obstructs us from our shared goal of mutual understanding and human connection, which is what most of humanity truly aches for internally. Adopting an envious lens causes our focus to narrow. We miss out on the nuance in the periphery, what lies beyond our immediate gaze. The person we didn’t speak to, the individual we shot a glare at, the human we avoided interacting with could very well have changed our life. They could have been a potential friend, teacher, or lover. They could have offered a perspective or shared an experience that inspired us to change our own. They could have taught us something new, or on the most basic intrinsic level, we would have engaged in a genuine human exchange. And the thing that could have altered our course into that direction? A simple hello, a radiant friendly smile, or even, dare I say, a compliment.